Eclipse Etiquette

ten lessons from today's cosmic totality

1. DRESS TO EXCESS

   Wear more than you think you need. Just because the winter was long and the sun is out, doesn’t mean you should dress for the beach. Remember what an eclipse is, you shivering knucklehead.

2. BRING OUT YOUR INNER PAPARAZZI

   Those blackout glasses are exactly that. How often do you have a chance to get up into a stranger’s face without his permission? Make the most of it.

   

3. DON’T REPEATEDLY GAZE BAREBACK INTO THE SUN

   Look away before removing your prophylactic glasses. Aghh, you idiot, you just did it again…

4. EVOKE THE APPROPRIATE DEGREE OF COSMIC AWE

   This is highly personal and may range from the scientific to the paganistic. But what this does not involve is breaking out into Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Which brings us to:

5. KNOW WHEN TO STOP SINGING “TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART”

   Immediately. This isn’t karaoke. You need not sing to the bitter end.

6. COLANDERS CAN BE COOL

   Or at least cooler than those disposable Back to the Future glasses. But if you’re going to hold a colander up to the sun, at least take your earbuds out, you dork (I wish I took a photo of this one).

7. KEEP MOST THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF

   Did you seriously just wonder, even for a millisecond, whether eye damage may result from looking at a photo of the eclipse on your phonescreen?

8. IF YOU REALLY MUST HOST AN ECLIPSE PARTY, DON’T TOAST TOO EARLY

   An eclipse isn’t a speed event. Timing is crucial, so don’t get overexcited and prematurely blow your toast. And don’t make it about yourself. It should be about Ra or Apollo. Remember who we’re all here for. To put it another way, don’t forget to thank the entertainment.

9. WAIT A FEW MINUTES AFTER PEAK ECLIPSE BEFORE LEAVING

   Don’t be the first to bail. The appropriate length of time is however long it takes for you to sing (to yourself, please) the Beatles’ “Here Comes the Sun.”

10. DON’T STEAL YOUR WIFE’S IDEA FOR A SUBSTACK POST

    But if you do, at least give her credit.

    

    Transmitter Park, Greenpoint, NY, April 8, 2024