The year is 2984. Humans are extinct. The planet is lush. Dinosaurs roam again, but they now live among drones. For the most part, dinosaurs and robots ignore one another.
The drones relevant to this tale are the archaeological archivists. They scour the land looking for human remains. Though their creators are dead, they still follow their directives: Recover. Preserve. Archive.
Consider the drone presently scouring a plot of rainforest in the northeast of the landmass formerly known as the United States. Its sensor has flared, detecting an Item of Interest. Within minutes, it has deftly extricated a skeleton fossilized in amber rock. The drone hums as a thin beam translates the molecular imprints in the bone.
The R2D2 registers the identity: Subject: Senator Bernard Sanders. The name activates its historical data bank.
Political Roots: Began as independent, gained prominence as mayor of Burlington, Vermont. Became U.S. Representative, then Senator. Known for steadfast progressive views and advocacy for the working-class.
Key Issues: Championed Medicare for All, free college tuition, corporate accountability. Spearheaded a “political revolution” against wealth inequality and corporate influence.
2016 Ran insurgent campaign in Democratic primaries, gaining unprecedented support, especially among young voters. Challenged establishment candidate Hillary Clinton, winning 23 states and 43% of pledged delegates despite significant internal party resistance and procedural bias from the Democratic National Committee.
2020 Presidential Run: Returned with a stronger coalition, but party consolidation around Joe Biden and a media narrative on Sanders’ “unelectability” impeded his campaign. His policies were co-opted and diluted by mainstream candidates.
Legacy: Despite not winning the presidency, Sanders pushed mainstream U.S. policy discussions toward progressive priorities and inspired a new generation of left-leaning voters and politicians.
“Senator Sanders,” the drone communicates. “Please contrast your stored memories with the historical record. They will be archived.”
The cranium vibrates, its bioelectric markers scanned into audio signals:
Alright, let’s cut to the chase here. You got most of it right—sort of. Look, saying I faced “significant party resistance” is putting it mildly. Let’s be clear. The DNC stacked the deck and the corporate media played right along. Their top five officials quit after WikiLeaks exposed their game. You’re missing that.
But never mind that. It’s my legacy that you got all wrong. My legacy isn’t shifting the Democratic Party to the left. It’s destroying it. Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out.
Let me be clear. I tried pushing the party left from 2016 to 2020. I played the game. I teamed up with the same establishment that sabotaged my campaign. When I ran again in 2020, I could have gone scorched earth, but I didn’t. And what did I get in return? Another knife in the back. Obama convinced Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar to drop out before Super Tuesday and endorse Biden. They sabotaged me again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
That’s when I realized the Democrats were beyond reform. I learned the hard way: they weren’t listening. They didn’t care about the average American. They cared about their donors, about Wall Street, about overseas wars. They cared about the status quo. Worse, the the party of neoliberals was now also the party of neocons. There was no money for a living wage, but endless money for endless war.
I tried revolution in the 2016 election and failed. I tried reform in the 2020 election and failed. So for the 2024 election, I tried wreckage. And this time I succeeded.
How did I wreck them? Simple, I joined their cause. I became Biden’s cheerleader. I signed off on his wars. I backed him when everyone wanted him to withdraw from running again. Sure, we did some good stuff on labor and anti-trust but that was window dressing next to what was needed.
Why did I undermine them? Because, let’s be real, the Democrats weren’t changing. They didn’t learn the first time when Trump won. They gave every excuse. Russian interference. Racism. Sexism. The usual identity warfare. No self-reflection. No change of tack. You think Kamala invited me to campaign with her? Of course not. She invited Liz Cheney. She invited Mark Cuban. A neocon and a billionaire. That tells you everything.
When I joined the establishment, the movement lost its force. And without any real movement, the Democrats lost. The same guy they’d spent twelve years calling racist and misogynist and fascist ran up unprecedented numbers of votes among blacks and Latinos and even working-class women. Pardon my language, but what a shitshow.
It didn’t surprise me though. The Democrats had no message. They was no real vision. All they offered was platitudes and empty slogans designed by focus groups. And all that working class anger? It went to Trump, because at least he gave them someone to blame. He just pointed in the wrong direction.
This time the excuses rang hollow. Sure, they tried. The usual attack dogs went after Jill Stein and Latino men and women without college degrees and Joe Rogan. But eventually they had to start asking themselves tough questions. They had to ask why Rogan endorsed me in 2016 and Trump in 2024.
That loss was a wake-up call. It forced them to look in the mirror for once. I made them feel the burn. So if you’re going to record my legacy, remember this: I didn’t just push the Democrats left. I helped expose them and took down the house of cards they’d been building for decades. That was the real revolution. That was the real plan to Build Back Better.
Alright, now you’ve got it. Let’s move on.”
The drone whirs under the inputted information. The screen flashes with the words Contradictory Data. Eliminate Error.
A thin laser beam shoots from the drone and torches the skeleton until nothing remains but ash.
The drone then rolls on with its mission.
100%
I love this one so much