"Mama, what's the F-word?"

toddler wisdom

When my first daughter, Electra, was born, I started keeping a journal in my Notes app about her various questions and retorts. Her quips felt uniquely weird, but of course they were the sorts of things all parents inevitably encounter.

By the time my second daughter, Fjora, came along, I’d fallen out of the journaling habit almost entirely, so there’s far less documentation of our interactions. She got the short shrift, as younger siblings often do. Having a child isn’t quite so novel the second time around, even if it’s just as diabolical. You’re also more frayed and cynical and world-weary, which makes you lazier too.

But now and then, after an especially colorful nugget from one of my daughters, I remember that I’m supposedly a writer and I add an entry. What follows are a few excerpts from the last year or so. These toddler aphorisms are reminders (especially for those self-titled “creatives” who unironically refer to themselves by a name that sounds like it came out of a meat grinder) of just how dully predictable and in decline our minds are compared to theirs.

“Papa,” Electra, circa age 3

CAST:

Electra: eldest daughter, presently 5

Fjora: youngest daughter, presently 2

Caroline: mother, presently exhausted

Apr 15, 2024

Electra to Caroline: “What’s the F-word?

Caroline: (pause) “What is it?”

“It’s Fate.”

Caroline: “Oh… what’s fate?”

“It’s when you die. Or you don’t.”

Feb 25, 2024

On drive back from Maine, Fjora was crying about the sun shining in her eyes and kept screaming at us to “Take it out! Take it out!” of the sky.

Feb 17, 2024

We wake up to snow. Electra is making a painting for Vera’s birthday party at Mrs. J’s in Williamsburg. There is the sound of shoveling on our stoop. Electra looks up from her canvas and says, “Why are there elephants outside?”

Oct 18, 2024

Electra sick, cries out. Caroline goes in her room.

Electra: “Why didn’t you hear me crying?”

Caroline: “Because we were watching tv.”

“With Papa?”

“Yes.”

“When did he come home?”

“9:30.”

“Oh. My. God. That is so big.”

Oct ?, 2023

Electra sees an ad in a magazine for red and blue pain killers and says to Caroline, “Look, your favorite candies.”

May 7, 2023

We’re on a ferry going to Dumbo for the carousel. Fjora points to a tree and cries, “Broccoli!”

Jan 19, 2023

In the morning Caroline and I had a spat with Electra (just another day of trying to get her up out of bed and her refusing) and I’ve lost it and am yelling. When I finally stop, she just looks at me and lets out a massive fart.