"How to End Discussion and Wage War" & other vignettes

“The Naked Emperor,” Edward von Lõngus, graffiti in Tartu, Estonia, 2015

Earlier this week, Nikki Haley lost to Trump by eleven points in the New Hampshire primary. Though her campaign’s strategy to get Democrats and independents to register on voting day didn’t put her over the edge, it was an impressive effort seeing she only received a quarter of actual Republican votes. Democrats who would vote against her in a general election really came out to show their love.

There was more comedy to come. After the results, Nikki Haley tweeted out that she had “bad news for the political establishment” because she wasn’t dropping out of the race. To fully appreciate the absurdity of this claim, we should reflect for a moment on her candidacy:

• she’s the favored candidate of Wall Street, the Koch network, and Republican megadonors

• she is, in her gusto for every U.S. intervention and advocacy of ever more military aid, a de facto lobbyist on the stump for arms contractors (did I mention she was a board member of Boeing?)

• she is a pro-censorship crusader who during the 3^rd Republican debate said TikTok must be banned because, in her words, “for every 30 minutes that someone watches TikTok every day, they become 17 percent more anti-Semitic, more pro-Hamas” (possibly the nuttiest assertion ever non-ironically made on a debate stage)

• she octupled her wealth since leaving her U.S. ambassadorship by aligning with institutions of corporate and political power (speeches, board positions, consultancies, etc)

Bad news for the establishment that she’s sticking around? That’s what you call satire that doesn’t know itself. Or mostly myth.

This got me in the mood for political humor, so I thought to bring out the following relics from almost twenty years ago. They may be vintage, but the satire is still, alas, relevant (nothing beats Nikki Haley’s tweet though, which was next level).

I wrote these in the thick of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Most neoconservatives who pushed for those wars like Bill Kristol, David Frum, and Robert Kagan have since migrated over to the Democratic party, nauseated by the growing anti-interventionism within the populist right (though the cause of Israel remains a stalwart exception). And no surprise that they’ve migrated. I can’t think of one American war or bombing campaign that Hilary Clinton or Joe Biden didn’t oppose. If you can think of one, please let me know in the comments.

Though once disgraced as warmongers, Kristol, Frum, and co. have found new respectability as cherished elders on MSNBC and CNN, whose hosts will happily fellate anyone who has a bad word for Trump. It’s the classic “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Never mind that “the enemy of my enemy” was once their enemy. These are trivialities. What matters is the health of the Death Star.

When I wrote these vignettes, they would have been considered leftist. Today, I don’t know what they are. Left? Right? Who cares. The categories are meaningless. Give Haley four more years and she’ll be running as a Democrat. Or, even sooner, serving as Biden’s Secretary of State.

Mark Twain said history doesn’t repeat itself, but it often rhymes. These days history still rhymes, but it’s upside down.

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Operation Iraqi Freedom

According to the surgeon, the transplant is going according to plan, and the freedom should be implanted smoothly as soon as the brain, heart, kidneys, stomach, lungs, and intestines are removed.

A Few [not so] Good Men

Support [those who are sending out] your troops.

Bombs Away!

The Freedom Fries landed undamaged. Only the cargo of ketchup ruptured on impact. 

The War of Liberation

Helping others shuffle off that mortal coil.

Embedded with the Military

Practicing safe sex in times of whore.

How to End Discussion and Wage War

Make glib comparisons to the Nazis that trivialize the Holocaust. Invoke Hitler, Chamberlain, and Churchill. Rinse and repeat as needed.

The Analyst

“And tonight, on the evening news, a parrot will join us to talk about the war in Afghanistan.”

Democratic Consummation

Overwhelmed by four years of anticipation, the voter was racked by orgasm after orgasm upon checking the box.

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Made in Bangladesh.

The Invisible Hand

Good for a quick feelie.

“Other Person’s Profit” rap by Investor by Nature

“You down with G.D.P? (Yeah, you know me.)” 

Checks and Balances

Bankers bank on it.

The Post-Modern Condition

We are all sick and confused. Facts do not exist. Actions have no rational causes. We are all victims. All interpretations are valid. Best you spend your days writing long unreadable texts on the end of science, art, history, knowledge, politics, etc. and on the futility of action.*

*But pay your feudal dues and shut up or obsolete modern conditions might come back to haunt you.

Know Thy Enemy

“We must defend ourselves from the commu—” The pundit cleared his throat, “drug traffi—” He cleared his throat once more, “—terrorists.”

[Updated version: He cleared his throat one last time, “Putinists”]

The Experts of 1939

Nazi officials pontificate somberly over their radio broadcasts about their humanitarian invasion of Czechoslovakia.

Vietnam

Looking back, ex-Soviet intellectuals agree that their effort to defend Afghanistan was a mistake. 

For Reign

            Policy.

A Historical Exception

Unlike the Assyrians, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Carthaginians, Byzantines, Mongols, Ottomans, Mughals, Aztecs, Ming, Ashanti, Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, Qing, Russians, Zulus, Austro-Hungarians, British, Japanese, Germans, Soviets, and Chinese, we’re humanitarians.

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