My Interview with Kamala and Donald

An election eve special of Boomers on boomers

CONSTANTINE: Thank you, Madam Vice President Kamala Harris and Former President Donald Trump for joining me,

Constantine Markides

at Mostly Myth for this unique and exciting Q & A. The days when politicians sparred with journalists over substantive policy issues are over. Now our presidential candidates book lighthearted “conversations” with podcasters. Never mind health care or war. It’s more important to know if you’d be fun to hang with, especially as our republic and democracy flounder and we all try to enjoy our final moments on a sinking Titanic.

In a recent conversation with the former president, podcaster Lex Fridman said he believed the world would be a better place if everyone in Congress ate mushrooms. This truism got me thinking: wouldn’t the electorate understand candidates better if they spoke from an altered state of mind.

I am, therefore, thrilled to announce that both candidates have set aside their personal views on hallucinogens and agreed to join me for a groundbreaking event. Half an hour ago, the three of us each ingested 0.5 grams of psilocybin – more than a microdose but less than an epiphany. We aim for a conversation that is illuminating and remarkable, but not ineffable.

To make this experience more authentic and intimate, we’ll all use first names.

The public wants details on issues that will impact their lives, so I’d like to open with something weighing on the minds of young Americans. Let’s begin with you, Kamala. What’s your sign? You have two seconds.

KAMALA: (deliberates) Libra.

DONALD: She sure is. It’s ’cause she’s always weighing what to say. And they thought John Kerry was a flip flopper…

CONSTANTINE: Donald? How about you? Again, two seconds.

DONALD: (puts up a peace sign) Gemini, baby.

KAMALA: Yeah, ’cause he’s two-faced.

CONSTANTINE: And your Chinese horoscopes?

DONALD: I don’t do Gina. They gave us the virus. Why are we importing Ginese viruses? We should be making our viruses at home. I say Make American Horoscopes Again. And you do that by putting tariffs on Ginese horoscopes.

CONSTANTINE: I looked up your birthdays and you, Donald, are a Fire Dog.

DONALD: (points at Kamala) You’re fired!

KAMALA: He’s a dog all right. That’s been determined in court.

DONALD: (pumps each fist in dance, singing) Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

CONSTANTINE: And you, Kamala, are a Dragon. A Wood Dragon.

DONALD: She doesn’t give me wood.

CONSTANTINE: Kamala, did you know that Vladimir Putin, like you, is also a Libra and a Dragon. The odds of him sharing that with you are 1 in 144, or 0.69%.

DONALD: (shakes head) Sixty-nine! With her? Poor Putin…

KAMALA: You think I share signs with Putin?? All signs point to him as the Russian puppet, not me. Dozens of unnamed CIA sources told an unnamed source who told me.

DONALD: (rolls eyes) Russiagate is dead, but she’s trying to resurrect it. She thinks she’s Jesus. (points at Kamala) You’re a Libra and a Wood Dragon and so is Putin. Case closed.

CONSTANTINE: Just to clarify, Putin is a Water Dragon—

KAMALA: You see, Donald lies! He traffics in disinformation!

DONALD: I’ve always said Putin is a Water Dragon. That’s why the warm water port in Crimea is so important to him. Sevastopol, they call it. Amazing place. Big, beautiful waters. Very warm, they say.

CONSTANTINE: Speaking of Russia, what do you each plan to do about Ukraine.

KAMALA: (removes her left heel and displays her foot. Then she looks down, laughing, embarrassed) I’m sorry, I thought my toenails were still painted blue and yellow.

DONALD: (stops Kamala from putting her heel back on) Could I please? (Kamala nods. Donald takes her foot in his hand). What a beautiful foot. I had no idea. (sets her foot down gently). Credit where credit’s due—it’s lovely. I’ve never seen a foot quite like it. Well, except for my daughter’s. But it’s almost as nice. Congratulations. Really.

CONSTANTINE: How are we feeling? Are we feeling good?

KAMALA: (laughing) Yes. Yes. Yes.

DONALD: Like a million bucks. (leans forward) Speaking of a million bucks, you’re doing a great job. I’ll have Elon send you a check. Isn’t that nice of him? And if you want, I’ll tell him to ban

Ken Klippenstein

from X. I love free speech, you know. Thank God for Elon. He’s a genius. You should see how he lands rockets. What a guy.

CONSTANTINE: Speaking of Elon, how do you reconcile your professed support of the working class with the fact that the richest man on the planet effectively runs your ground campaign in many states. Or that there will be peace under a Trump administration when last time around you elevated neocons like John Bolton, Nikki Haley, and Mike Pompeo.

DONALD: That was last time. I learned a lot. I mean A LOT. We’re doing things different this time. Sure, Mike is back, but he’s a great guy. He’s loyal. Nikki, not so much. As for John, he’s the worst. What a loser. Talk about a nasty mustache.

CONSTANTINE: What about your promises to Drill Baby, Drill while onboarding an environmental lawyer like RFK, Jr?

DONALD: I like Bobby. Make America Healthy Again he says. Isn’t that nice? It’s not a bad thought, really. MAHA. (kisses fingers) MWAH

CONSTANTINE: Your coalition seems like a very big umbrella. Some might say too big.

DONALD: You can never have too big of an umbrella. It’s a big, beautiful umbrella. The bigger your umbrella the better off you are in the rainstorm. (begins to sway and hum) What’s that Dylan song?  

CONSTANTINE: A Hard Rain’s-a Gonna Fall? Or Buckets of Rain?

KAMALA: More like False Prophet or Idiot Wind.

DONALD: (chortles) Good one. I didn’t think you could pull off an unscripted comment.

KAMALA: Isn’t it obvious he’s a fraud. He’s the chaos candidate. (turns to Donald) Tell us, will you accept the results of this election?

DONALD: Sure I will, if it’s fair and I win. (turns to moderator). I tell you, she’s a commie. Very smart people have said she may even be a violent illegal. She eats cats and dogs. She worships Chairman Mao, who was a very strong man, to be fair.

KAMALA: The man has no values. He believes only in himself and winning.

DONALD: Oh, suddenly I have no values? I thought I was a big spooky fascist.

KAMALA: You are a fascist.

DONALD: Says the communist.

KAMALA: Fascist.

DONALD: Communist!

KAMALA: Fascist!

DONALD: Communist!

CONSTANTINE: Donald, Kamala, please... I think we need more mushrooms. (Hands them each a cap. They chew quietly.)

CONSTANTINE: In a recent essay, Substack founder

Hamish McKenzie

likened both of your campaign’s rhetoric to garbage. What do you say to that?

DONALD: He’s right about her, but not about me. So he’s half smart, half moron.

CONSTANTINE: Kamala? Any comment?

KAMALA: We are an optimistic people. We are an optimistic people. Americans, by character, are people who have dreams and ambitions and aspirations. We believe in what is possible. We believe in what can be.

CONSTANTINE: Donald, the Vice President earlier called you a “chaos candidate.” How do you respond?

DONALD: (his head does a 360 degree spin, then he smiles and throws his arms out) Ta-da!

CONSTANTINE: (turns to Kamala) The former president claimed you are overly scripted. What do you say to that?

KAMALA: I grew up a middle-class kid.

CONSTANTINE: So is it fair to say that one of you has every view and one of you has no views? (Donald and Kamala look at each other and shrug sheepishly). I see. Back to foreign policy. Kamala, many of your supporters accuse the Biden administration of arming a genocide—

DONALD: Isn’t it terrible? It never would have happened under me. Not Gaza. Not Ukraine. Not October 7th. Not Biden losing his mind. None of it. 

KAMALA: Look, my mother raised my sister and me. She worked very hard… Did I mention I have guns in my house?

CONSTANTINE: Many Muslims say they won’t vote for you for not pledging to end Biden’s arming of Israel at unprecedented levels?

DONALD: It’s disgraceful they didn’t give Netanyahu what he wanted.

CONSTANTINE: You don’t think they did?

DONALD: (pauses) Well, it depends. Are you Muslim or are you Jewish? (digs among the clothes in a bag at his feet, which includes a McDonald’s uniform and a fluorescent orange safety vest). A ha! (puts on a djellaba and a yarmulke) It doesn’t really matter, because I’m the only candidate here who is good for both Palestinians AND Jews! Peace through Two Faces, I call it.

KAMALA: Yup, a Gemini! (laughs)

DONALD: Just to be clear, I really love the Jews. They give me a lot of money. And I mean a lot. Miriam Adelson gave me $100 million. Jared ran the numbers for me and that’s about 5000 bucks for every dead Palestinian kid. So don’t think for a second that the Israelis aren’t paying a price too. It’s very sad that the Palestinians don’t have more money. If they did, I’d really love them too. There’s good people on both sides.

KAMALA: We believe in ceasefire. That’s why we never cease sending firearms. Did I mention I’m proud to have the endorsement of Liz Cheney?

CONSTANTINE: You’ve been campaigning with Liz Cheney and she said her foreign policy aligns more closely with yours than with Donald’s. So how do you feel about Dick Cheney?

KAMALA: I love Dick!

DONALD: She loves Willie too. Just ask the old San Francisco mayor.

KAMALA: You’re despicable.

DONALD: [shrugs] It’s true. Willie Brown ate her cat and he’s not even Haitian. Talk about the enemy within. More like within her, am I right?

KAMALA: You’re a vulgar man.

CONSTANTINE: Please, let’s change tack. Kamala, the approval ratings of the Joe administration are at near historic lows. What would you do differently?

KAMALA: (laughs and laughs)

DONALD: She’d laugh more. (Kamala laughs. Trump pulls a face. Kamala laughs harder. Trump pulls a weirder face.)

KAMALA: I would put a Republican in my administration.

DONALD: I told you she’s a communist

CONSTANTINE: This journalist

Chris Hedges

described this election as being between corporate power (motions to Harris) and oligarchic power (motions to Trump). Would either of you like to comment?

DONALD: That guy won’t be getting a million bucks, I can tell you that.

KAMALA: There’s a significance of the passage of time and I think that is very important. It’s a mistake not to be well versed on an issue and feel compelled to answer a question.

CONSTANTINE: We’re coming to the end of our time here. In one or two words, how do you plan to serve your donors:

DONALD: Wealthfare

KAMALA: Endless war.

CONSTANTINE: And in one or two words, can you tell me what your main pitch and vision is to voters.

DONALD: Trump

KAMALA: Not Trump. (checks phone) Actually, no… Women!

CONSTANTINE: Very inspiring. Thank you. I wish you both luck, along with the other candidates like Jill Stein, Chase Oliver, Cornel West, and Fred Flintstone. The polling between the two of you is so close that my many hundreds of Substack subscribers may prove pivotal to tomorrow’s election outcome.

DONALD: Did you say hundreds? You have hundreds of millions? Those are very good numbers.

CONSTANTINE: No, not millions.

DONALD: (disappointed). What, just thousands?

CONSTANTINE: No, not thousands. Just hundreds. Like 338.

TRUMP (aghast, can barely speak) Covfeve.

KAMALA: (appalled) Hundreds? (off camera, her aides pale and tremble)

CONSTANTINE: It’s not the size that matters but what you do with it. (nods to the baggie of mushrooms) More mushies, maybe? Dig in. (dashes off to drum up more subscribers)

(Donald and Kamala reach into the baggie and eat a few stems as Prince’s “Purple Rain” comes on. While the moderator scrambles for more subscribers, they stand up and begin to sway to the music, smiling at each other.)