Nine Suggestions for Virility and Virality

Last week, I published the first part of my groundbreaking, grandstanding How to Win Subscribers & Influence Influencers. I promised to post the second half once I’d influenced an influencer. But with no social media high priestess yet to come knocking, I wonder if my latent power poses an existential threat to the influencer industrial complex, which Eisenhower warned us about in his farewell address. In other words, their fear of my virility lies behind my lack of their virality. That must be it.

Ike warning us about the collusion between teenagers and Instagram

I’ve therefore decided to focus on you, dear reader, instead of on the influencer. True change starts from the ground up. Transformation begins in the heart chakra. The revolution will not be Instagrammed.

So back to the fundamentals. Back to Dale Carnegie. To get the most out of last week’s Substack growth strategy, I offer you the following supplementary advice, which is ideally read in conjunction with Dale’s Nine Suggestions, which you can find on page 8 of this PDF. I also coiffed my hair, shaved, and donned a suit and tie¹ for an oppressive three minutes to ensure you take me seriously as a respectable, buttoned-up, self-help specialist:

me tying a noose around my neck for you

And Now at Last the Nine Suggestions:

1. Be committed. Urge yourself on. Say to yourself over and over “My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend upon my skill and success on Substack.”

2. Reread this post. Even my other posts. Ideally seek out everything I’ve ever written. You will see measurable improvements in your quality of life.

3. Stop frequently and think about what you read. But not too much, because overthinking is the source of inaction. As Descartes said, “I think therefore I clam.”

4. Read with a highlighter (*pro tip – make sure the highlighter is permanent). When you come across a useful suggestion, mark it on your phone or laptop screen. Later, when you are playing Wordle and Connections, these marks will serve to rebuke you over such time-wasting addictions by colorfully reminding you what truly matters. Eventually, the graffiti will blot out the screen and you will no longer have to pay $50/year for the distractions of the New York Times Games app. This $50, invested wisely, can be life-changing. For example:

   On October 3, 2011, when the New Yorker ran a feature on bitcoin, the crypto was selling at $5 per coin. Today, one bitcoin costs roughly $68,100. This means your fifty bucks would have turned into $681,000 in a little over a decade. Hodl with me long enough and generational wealth will follow.

5. Don’t delude yourself into believing that skimming this post once will suffice. First skim, then read thoroughly, then spend a few hours reviewing it each week. Let it inspire you while you are on the toilet. Play the AI-generated audio during any underwhelming bouts of sexual congress. You will see tangible improvements in your performance. This may sound extreme, but there is no other way.

6. Bernard Shaw once remarked, “If you teach a man anything, he will never learn.” You must implement these practices. You don’t need talent for success on Substack. Yes, many good writers thrive on this platform. But more often, to quote Ecclesiastes and a Hemingway classic, the scum also rises. In other words, don’t worry if you are more scum than sun.

7. Offer your spouse, your child or your business associate a dime or a dollar every time one of them catch you violating a certain principle. To raise the stakes, allow them to violate you in return. If you are preserving your marital celibacy for divorce or, in the case of your child or business associate, opposed to incest or adultery, instead offer a bitcoin or even ten. You will soon have plenty to spare.

8. Analyze and grade your performance on how well you practiced these principles at least once a week. For example, did you copy and paste at least 10 literary quotes on Notes yesterday? If you don’t have any luck initially, remember, as Beckett said, “Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” And while you’re at it, go post that quote on Notes. That’s crack for readers. That’s cats on Facebook. Dancing on TikTok. Butt selfies on Instagram

   

   the hardearned result of countless gym hours of squats and lunges

9. You’ll find at the end of this post a comment section in which you should record your triumphs in the application of these principles. Be specific. Give names, dates, results. Keeping such a record will inspire you to greater efforts; and how fascinating these comments will be when an influencer chances upon them some evening years from now!

1. As a cowboy in Yellowstone put it, “You know what a tie is, don’t you? It’s the leash your master cut ’cause he knows you ain’t going nowhere.”