ON MONDAY LAST WEEK, in an unprecedented phenomenon that will be forever burned, like the eyes of the tens of millions of victims, upon the memory of humanity, all hell broke loose in a precisely scheduled epidemic of blindness across a vast curving swath of North America from Mazatlan, Mexico to Newfoundland, Canada.
The Great American Blinding, as it has come to be known, dwarfed the myriad conspiracies preceding the eclipse. There was the claim that CERN had activated its world’s largest hadron collider to open a portal to the cosmos. Or that NASA had fired three rockets into space named APEP, after the Egyptian serpent deity of darkness and disorder, not to study atmospheric disturbances but as part of a sex magic ritual. Or that the National Guard was deployed to train for emergency crowd control ahead of the November election. Or that last week’s eclipse, combined with those of 2017 and 2023, completed an Aleph and Tau, the first and last letters of the Hebrew alphabet, signaling the end of the 26,000 period known as the Great Year and the dawn of a golden age of Aquarius ruled by a new Divine King.
Did any of this happen? No one cares anymore. The events of last Monday overshadowed even the most outlandish speculation. But who could have foreseen the catastrophe of The Great American Blinding?1 Who could have guessed that the protective measures taken—the disposable eyewear—would be the very cause of the devastation.
Scientists are still scrambling to understand precisely what substance in the glasses caused the reaction and why blindness only occurred during totality. Even the briefest exposure to the full eclipse while wearing glasses was enough to catalyze a total loss of vision within anywhere from four to eight minutes (this timespan’s relation to the eclipse’s date of 4/8 has not been lost on numerologists).
Compounding the mystery, there was a blackout of all communications, including satellite, across North America during the eclipse, which thwarted the possibility of advance warning. This outage, which ensured chaos along the entire path of totality, has fueled a slew of conspiracy theories in both legacy and independent media, with the suspects ranging from the Chinese to the Russians, from BLM to the Proud Boys, from Anthony Fauci to Ye. Portuguese novelist Jose Saramago’s Blindness has surged out of hibernation to top this week’s New York Times bestseller list in both fiction and—in a first for a novel—non-fiction.
Alhough the “burn zone,” as it’s been termed, was confined to a narrow band spanning Mexico, the U.S. and Canada, the destruction was apocalyptic. Even the few without glasses who evaded blindness will never unsee the harrowing scenes they witnessed: blinded ambulance drivers mowing down supplicants in breakdown lanes; the afflicted clutching their eyes, plummeting from rooftops, only to be skewered upon their selfie sticks; the National Guard, mistaking the bedlam for a chemical attack, opening fire on one another; stricken parents reeling about, grasping at air, screaming for their missing toddlers. And then of course there is the violence of the last ten days: the looting sprees, the rampant break-ins, the vendettas fueled by petty grudges, the grotesque raping of the blind.
Amidst the looming collapse of state governments, President Biden issued a directive last week recalling all foreign troops for redeployment to the emergency zones. Anti-interventionists, characterizing the crisis as the chicken coming home to roost, have cheered the military withdrawal. The headline of a contentious Washington Post op-ed on Tuesday read, “The Day the American Empire Died.”
The government’s media campaign promoting disposable glasses in the days leading up to the eclipse has turbo charged the eroding faith in official experts and authorities. That the very same item peddled to protect ended up leading to widespread death and injury has been seized upon by mainstream Covid narrative opponents, who are drawing parallels with the vaccine industry and media complicity with Big Pharma.
Leading Covid skeptic
’s latest Substack post, “The Cure is Poison,” has not only led to a tripling of his subscriber count but has also become a rallying cry at protests and rallies. The title has taken on such symbolic significance (in Mexico, “La Cura es Veneno!”) that the Cure and Poison yesterday announced they are teaming up for a fundraising North American Totality Tour, scheduled for later this year in a dozen or so of the devastated cities.But no one has gained more followers and converts than the formerly fringe sungazing or “sunning” community, which rejects protective gear and advocates the health benefits of direct staring into the sun with the naked eye. Despite coming out in force for the April 8 total eclipse, and leaving aside some minor retinal scarring and a few cataracts, not a single sungazer went blind.
The closest anyone got to predicting the mayhem was a fire-and-brimstone preacher in Arkansas who had been stomping out apocalyptic warnings for weeks. He alleged that the the rainbow-like arc of eclipse totality through North America was an allusion to the pride flag, an omen that hellish punishment was at last on hand for both sodomites and their enablers who, in his spittled words, “worship on bended knees at the altar of Sodom and Gomorrah.” His thesis might have gained traction had he too not been blinded.
How blind is our country? There was a similar "exercise" here last summer when a half acre fire caused the state police, local sheriffs and all the fire stations to converge on our neighborhoods demanding we evacuate. One cop even broke our front gate to order us to leave NOW! Hoopla and diverting focus is what America does best lately. 🔮🛸🙈
Your writing is hella entertaining.
I love how you take stupid, mundane things that we all experience and make hilarious observations about all of them. Also, your writing style is hilarious. Totally subscribing. Thanks Constantine.